When we deny emotions and feelings from self, we find ourselves requiring those emotions and feelings from others, sometimes we demand the inverse, and so a person that denies themselves of love from self, will either demand it from others, or they will demand hate or dislike from others.
This is a simple truth that most people cannot see until they have played out this obsessions many times until they sicken themselves with the reality of the life they have created for themselves – the obsessive need to feel love or its mirror, the obsessive demand for hate.This is how the majority of negative and toxic relationships are created, the coming together of two opposites, each born out of a suppression of self, a need for emotional energy, either the need to give, or the need to take.
Ego creates these problems, and it is only through working with ego can these problems be overcome, only through going back to the cause of the need and healing it, can that need be satiated; Only through self can a person come to be happy.There are many causes of denial of self, and often the cause itself is a place of fear, and also can be difficult to track down, since those denials of self came about long ago and were often the result of traumatic pain, and so the healing of such pains is not something to be taken lightly, and it is also not something that comes easily.Thus for many people they have to go through one toxic relationship after another in order to make them realise that the answer is not in the finding of the right partner, but it is with the journey within; to find the root of the need that is causing them so much pain, a pain that ego tries very hard to avoid, and that they themselves will gladly seek a short term distraction rather than confront the deep pain that caused the denial of self in the first place.
The equation as to how such obsessions come about is a simple one; a painful event, often in childhood and linked to those close to the individual causes that person to seek to not feel that pain again by denying that aspect of self. Typically unknowingly, they will ask ego to repress that emotional expression – they will “toughen up”. However, this creates a yearning within, a sense of something that is missing, it starts gently at first, but over time grows stronger. It could be seen in terms of emotional energy – we deny a certain polarity of emotional energy from ourselves and this means that we become drained of that energy, and this creates a draw to external sources of that energy – other people who seem to have lots of it.
As the individual gets older, they find themselves needing more and more of this energy from others, and they also find that those bursts of emotional support that they get from others sustain them for shorter periods of time.
This is why obsessional and toxic relationships have been paralleled with drug addiction: they are in themselves addictive, and the victim of this behaviour finds themselves less and less able to exist without significant amounts of emotional support from others.
As I said earlier, it can also work in the opposite way, a person denying themselves of one polarity of emotional energy can also find themselves denying themselves of this same bandwidth from others. This is often because that particular set of feelings reminds them too much of the trauma that their denial is trying to avoid. However this is not a solution either, since the individual that is denied of any of the full spectrum of emotional feelings will find themselves unhappy, and they will have exaggerated needs in other areas.
This is the source of what many people call attachments – The need to have emotional fulfilment through others, usually obsessive and often moving from one toxic relationship to another.
So, once you find yourself in such a position of being attached to toxic relationships and in that seesaw of swinging from the happiness of finding fulfilment through another to the inevitable sadness and pain when the initial “buzz” of that relationship wears off, how can you fix that problem for once and for all?
The answer lies in self introspection, but it is not an easy path and the roots of the issues can be very deep, in some cases they can lie in the realms of inherited karma, however the route to understanding and healing these issues tends to follow the same path.
The first thing to realise is that these emotional energies have specific frequencies that our desire for fulfilment has tuned into and is seeking them from the outside world. The individual concerned is therefore already an expert in sensing those emotional energies and this skill can be of great use when trying to track down the source of those emotions that lie within ourselves.
The second thing to realise is that the suppression of those feelings comes from a block, and often this block is a psychological thought pattern that needs to be resolved in order for those feelings to be able to flow again. These thought patterns can be conscious, or they can be subconscious – the individual may know exactly why they are blocking those emotions or they may have no knowledge of them at all.
When the individual is aware of those blocks, then the task to a certain extent is easier, since they know why they have chosen not to allow themselves to have those feelings. Such people often say that it is because they never wish to be hurt in that way again. However, such people may need to ask themselves if that memory is actually the cause of their issues, or if there is something deeper that could be the real cause of their pain – an earlier block that has them in a cycle of painful encounters, so in effect they are denying secondary feelings as a side-effect of yet earlier pains that they may no longer be aware of.
When the cause is not remembered then some techniques are required to try to track down the cause of the issue.
Some certainties are needed to be understood. Firstly, if you find yourself needing emotions from others then it is because you are denying them from yourself: they are there, just hidden and suppressed. Secondly, you have the skills to find those denials or blockages: You are like a bloodhound when it comes to these feelings, you are very good at finding them in others, but now the task is to turn those senses on yourself and realise that the only true source is self.
There are a number of techniques that can be used to try to find the root blockage and it should be remembered that we are all individuals and differing techniques will work for different people. Also, it is likely that this task will be like peeling an onion – you may have to peel the onion several times until you get to the core of the problem.
One method is to take yourself on a meditative healing journey; go into a meditative state and enter into an intuitive self-dialogue where you ask yourself searching questions as to the root of your pain. Remember that you are working with feelings and try to sense the feelings that you are seeking, remember the feelings that you get from others that you are denying from yourself and try to find the trail of causalities that got you to this point then go back in time to their source.
You will need to be brave whilst doing this, often the source memories are painful and we will naturally try to avoid them, you may feel heightened anxiety and stress as you work back to the root of the problem and it is also worth remembering that there will probably be several events over time that you will need to negotiation, until you get back to the true source.
Once you get to the source then you need to look at the issue with a dispassionate eye, and try to carry with you the understanding that whatever happened, it was not your fault and the pain that you received was inflicted upon you by others, it was their doing, and you were simply the victim. It was them that sent you on this trail of toxicity and the only way to prevent it from continuing is for you to accept that those emotions that you chose to block are your true self, and they should not be blocked from being expressed.
Remember that the journey back into self is a huge part of the healing process in itself and the more you look within in this way, the more you will have healed yourself, even if the cause of the problem has no rational explanation – sometimes the slightest upset in childhood can have the greatest impact in later years.
If this method of healing evades you and does not seem to help there are other methods of healing, you can ask a councillor to guide you through this process, you could also seek help from a hypnotist who will help unlock those forgotten pains from the past.